être dans la lune

I wanna talk about writing fic — specifically, about the challenges I face when trying to.

I've mentioned before about taking a long break from both fandom and writing. I bunch those two together because for me, especially in the circumstances directly preceding said break, those were inextricably intertwined. But this post isn't to talk about the break itself (even though I definitely will have more to say on it at some point); I've recently started trying to write fic regularly, and my god, it's hard. I've broken some of the problems I've come across down into conveniently organised headings:

1. Sprinting a Marathon

In other words, trying to write as fast as you can so that people don't think you're lazy, or they get inextricably bored (of waiting for the thing they neither have a date for nor know is coming), or completely forget about you so that when you finally do finish the story and post it, they won't care anymore, and you'll have worked hard just to have nobody at all read your writing. The biggest fear is the first one, for me. When I sit down to write, and don't finish it all in one sitting, I feel so lazy, as if someone is judging me for writing slowly (even if I write the most I've ever written in a day!). And if I end up finishing it in one sitting, this nasty voice in my mind teases me for writing something so short — because (horribly) I guess something in my still associates the length of my works with their worth. It's such a strange issue to get hung up on, because it's not like I don't realise that nobody is paying enough attention to me (thank god) to think that I or my works are any of those things. But nonetheless, it leaves a sour taste in my mouth and an unhappy unease in my stomach whenever I write and then think, "Not good enough, though."

2. Sprinting a Hike

Related to the previous one, but more in the vein that people definitely haven't forgotten you, and are all leaning over your shoulder staring as you write, counting down the hours and taking precise notes of the seconds to words ratio... Blegh. I have so many hang-ups on length and time and pace and wordcount, and I hate it so much. I didn't used to be like this — almost the opposite, churning out flashfiction happily without thinking "over 10k or what was the point" and such nonsense. I wish I could unpick a habit up. I'm trying to tackle this, and I've definitely gotten better! MegOp Week in January helped a lot with this, forcing me to write short stories and post them up before I could overthink it and try to churn out a longfic from them. But that had it's own frustrations (detailed more in the post itself if you're interested) and the happy middle ground would be to just write both works over and under 10k or 20k or whatever number my brain is hung up. And I want to keep trying to tackle this until I don't even think to worry about invisible potential readers gasping and pointing at me for not being a 'real writer' because I took x longer than whoever or it's been y months/years since my last update. *sigh*

3. Backseat Drivers

This is the worst of them all! I feel so often that someone is watching me write; that they're comparing one thing to the next, calling something uninspired, repetitive, boring, 'not the ideal direction', 'not what I wanted to happen', 'the lesser of two options', the list is endless. I feel like when I write a beginning that doesn't immediately jump to the action, or doesn't have the main character and romantic interest interact for a couple thousand words, that I'm wasting Backseat Driver's time, that they're yawning and grumbling because 'Who cares about the lore? Who cares about the worldbuilding? You're supposed to be writing to fit my taste for these characters, not your own nonsensical plot. If you wanted something so far-fetched and au, why aren't you writing original fiction instead? Don't waste my time!'

They're very rude and mean. This isn't true at all. I know that so many readers are kind and, more than that, some enjoy reading my stories. If I were writing to please someone — and I'm not, see later — it would be to those who enjoy the stories I write and read my works to share some fun or pain. Not to waste their own time on something that isn't to their tastes. And it isn't even a numbers game — the one awful habit I have mostly kicked to the curb (that is... I'm working on it still, but it's going better than the rest of these lol) is not to put value or messages into numbers of readers and comments. But wow, I am so frightened of wasting someone's time — especially those who've previously enjoyed anything I've posted and also read this. I'm so nervous that putting it out there will make people hate it and judge me as a poor writer. I would like for this to matter less to me, but for now, it's a very present fear. (Irrational, and not rooted in any reality, but present all the same.)

4. Writing Right

Linking to the previous worry of people thinking that the idea is far too much one way and not enough the other, there's this worry in my head that it's too... me.That the story has too much of my own idea in it. This sounds absurd, but let me explain — I worry that someone will think the idea isn't original enough or overdone (or done better somewhere else), I worry they'll think it's too out there, I fret over whether there is too much x and not enough y. Because after all, this is fanfiction, right? That means it needs to cater to what other people think of these characters, right? Wrong, of course! Everyone experiences canon (and fanon!) differently — we all each have own version of it. And even past that, I don't owe anyone anything! To make something just for myself, and have it fit my own tastes, have it written just for the pleasure of the act, is enough. It should be enough. It's hard to remember that, though, as I sit staring at my page filled with insecurity.

But I'm trying to write. And I'm going to continue trying.

My solution to all of these are as follows: write more, post more, and do it all (as much as you can) for yourself. Don't think of the final result: think of now, and of the story being told, and the satisfaction that brings. Because you love writing. You are a writer — there are no other qualifiers to this label other than to simply write. So do that. Write. Let yourself write that long first chapter all about backstory that you're afraid people didn't click to read. Take all the words and the time you need to write the story you want to write. Nobody can write that fic but you; so at least let it be your own, before it is somebody else's.
 
And every time the worry rears up — right now, at the beginning, middle, and end of every sentence — I'll come back and read that paragraph, and remind myself of what really matters. And hopefully, doing it often enough for long enough will help it set in as a habit to overwrite the old painful ones. Practice makes permanent.